I am so in love with how I don’t need or want to drink alcohol anymore. I love being sober. I really, really do. Sobriety has done so much more for me than just putting the bottle down.
- I learned why I drank.
- I dealt with the reasons why I drank by intensive therapy and EMDR for PTSD.
- I accepted that I have depression and found a doctor who has properly medicated me.
- I am able to handle situations that used to baffle me.
- Self-care is important to me.
- I get to help others.
- I have experienced so many healed relationships.
- Life is easier.
- Living is manageable.
- I accept that which I can not control.
- I no longer live in fear.
- I continue to work at being a better woman; a wife, mother, daughter, and friend.
- I am calm.
- I know peace.
- I am not perfect, but I will always remain teachable.
Today, I am grateful that my brother showed me how the program of recovery works. He reminded me of how I used to be (angry). He reminded me that I prefer serenity.
Here’s the crap: I made another attempt to reconcile with my brother this morning. We have been estranged for 4 years. In response to my question, he wrote “I’m not sure (if I can reconcile), but am always willing.” (Wow! “willingness”! A promising and new word from him!) He then provided a phone number. In the first few minutes of the call, I realized he is still very angry. The angrier he became, the less I spoke. Did my choice to be a listener anger him? I am unsure.
The irony of his anger and my, lack there of, baffles me to no end. He sexually abused me. He has never spoken of it. He has never apologized. He has never inquired about “my story.” He continues to live as a victim in unwavering anger. I was actually ready to tell him that I forgave him for how he harmed me, because I do. But I didn’t get that opportunity because he had a lot to say that sounded like the conversation we had 4 years ago. Anger. Lots of anger.
Madness continued to roll off his tongue. He reminded me that I don’t have to be that way. I simply listened to things I have heard before and prayed. God sat with me and I felt safe. I felt protected. Nothing evil could penetrate me.
I accepted how the call was unraveling. I knew what I could and could not control. God granted me the wisdom to know the difference and sit in peace.
Towards the end of the “conversation ” I asked if he’d rather reach out to me in the future if he wants to reconcile ?
“Yes,” he agreed, “have a nice day.”
“Ok then, have a nice day,” I concluded.
I am grateful because I get to put this back on the shelf. I’ve done all I can do. I get to not be responsible for trying to fix things. I am officially surrendering that very old role of mine.
I learned today that crappy conversations like this can jostle my sobriety. I love my sobriety so much and I refuse to sacrifice it.
For that, I am very grateful.