On the last day of of my very long drinking career, I had what I now refer to as a spiritual awakening dream that lead me to my first AA meeting, and subsequently saved my life.
It was an extraordinarily profound dream…..
I was about to leave for my first day of a new job. I climbed into my car – a Lexus (which in real life I do not own) wearing a fancy designer suit and very high heels (never owned either). I glanced at the highlighted route on an old fashioned road map as I turned out of the driveway of my mansion (which is not real life either). It perplexed me that I felt strange in the suit…. and the car. It didn’t feel like me, yet in the dream this was definitely me. All glitz and glam. I felt more rushed then eager for my first day of a new high powered job.
At first, my journey was smooth and uneventful. However, it did not take long for my travels to turn chaotic and confusing. In other words, the trip to get to my new job became drastically out of control; incredibly unmanageable. After missing exits and going the wrong direction, I veered off the freeway onto an unfamiliar area so that I would avoid a deadly collision on the highway.
That is when I lost all control. My car was moving at lightening speed on a dirt path with many dangerous hills and curves. I was in the drivers seat but no longer the driver. After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived at a building which was under construction. I knew I was not at my job, yet I walked in because hundreds of soldiers directed me to do so.
These intimidating soldiers were everywhere. They were shouting commands at me and others who had also arrived, but unlike me, on purpose. Their mouths did not move but I heard the soldiers barking commands in my head.
Where the hell was I?
I was instructed to walk across pipes (in those really high heals) and jump upward onto a platform on every floor. I finally made it to the top of this incredibly tall unfinished tower to an elevator that looked like an aquarium that housed sharks. Fortunately, it was empty.
The soldiers lead me into elevator. I watched myself being lowered and realized all the others who had climbed to the top were watching me from the outside like spectators at a zoo.
Suddenly, liquid pooled around my feet and quickly filled the tank as I was being lowered. I was frozen. I could not scream for help. I tried, but my fear took hold of my ability to move or shout. I did not fight it because I gave up the moment I knew I was in there being drowned. I was too exhausted from climbing up the tower to bang on the walls of the tank. The water was too heavy and just like that I was fully submerged unable to breath.
I woke in my bed gasping for air. In real life, I was holding my breath as I drowned in the dream. I was stunned. I was drowning. I was drowning …. in alcohol! Hungover from my usual 3 bottles of Pinot the night before, I fell out of bed with a sense of urgency to get to my youngest sons room. I dragged myself to him in my pathetic, hungover state.
I turned into his room and saw he was awake. He smiled when he saw me. I felt myself begin to quietly weep. I laid down next to him and he followed.
Blue eyes fixated on mine, his sweet voice sang to me.
“Hi Mommy!” He smiled.
I began to sob. I wanted to stop because it made my hangover headache worse. It was impossible to do so. My boy watched me confused. He had just been diagnosed with Autism and his ability to respond to emotions were not yet developed.
I wept. “What am I doing to my sons? What am doing to my husband? What am doing to myself?”
As I lay there weeping, I once again, succumbed to the heaviness in my bones like I had in that water filled tank in my dream. I was overwhelmed by fear and loneliness. I did not know what to do. I cried out in my head:
“How do I stop when I can’t imagine living with out my wine!!! What do I do?!”
And then a sentence of instruction popped into my head: “Go to the computer and google local AA meetings.” I was immediately overwhelmed with a sense of hope. The heaviness in bones began to dissipate.
I felt lighter.
I attended my very first AA meeting that evening.
The journey was over but it was also a beginning. A beautiful new beginning. I was where I was meant to be.
After 25 years, I made it Home.
And God willing, I plan to stay one day at a time.
For other recovery stories of mine, I suggest reading :
Photo credit of building: Instagram- @industrialabandoned
Photo credit of land: Instagram- @wondersofourplanet