Last night I published, then unpublished a literary pity party of sorts. I was struggling with how mine and my children’s differences in life often make life harder than I can handle. My plate has been full these days with all of my children. I have been fearful about their futures. I needed to speak my truth as promised in my mission statement. Not one bit of hope was written. I promised to “spread hope.” I failed myself and those that read it.
I thought about the decision to write it, publish it, then move it back to my draft folder. I fell into old patterns of people pleasing…the need to present as strong, resilient, hopeful and positive. When I wrote the post, I felt none of those things. That was my truth in the moment. Was it a pity party? Perhaps. Was I annoyed? Absolutely. Was there a bit of anger weaved in? Yep.
The truth of the matter is that at times, feelings will come up for me that will cause others to be uncomfortable. My emotions are my own and are not intended to harm others. I spend every day praying to God to live in the day. I pray that I can be “divorced from self-pity or self-seeking motives,” as it says in the Big Book of AA. Usually I succeed, sometimes I don’t. I trust that my God forgives me when I am struggling to feel hopeful or optimistic. God made me human. God made me with emotions which include sadness, fear and anger. I know that my God made me not to suppress emotions that need exorcisms. I’m not always dancing in the tulips. Frankly, that is exhausting.
I suppose my mission statement can be a bit confusing. I promised to be truthful and to spread hope.
So, my question is this: Is it impossible to be both a truth teller and spread hope? If I share my worries, anger, sadness or frustrations, I suppose I am being a downer. Not very hopeful. Should I change my mission statement to “I promise to be truthful about my experiences as a human”?
Much to consider….