Depression

I pledged to be a Truth Teller with my blog. This is my truth for today .

I am with my precious son in these pictures. He came to me because he bumped his arm and asked “Gonna fall off, Mommy?” His worries (his anxiety disorder) of what the bump would do to him, was worse than the actual bump.

He is weeks from turning 11, and his head and arm position on my body is because of the gluten free diet he’s been on since May 2018 because he has celiac disease. He has not let me touch him in a loving way nor has he come to me for comfort like this since he was 2. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that this occurred. This is why I took pictures.

The irony of this is that I had been taking a mental break when he came to me. Why? Because I was emotionally hungover from a very difficult appointment yesterday with his neurologist. Over the course of a two hour period, she walked us through her findings (IQ, learning disabilities and how “he’s the most complex case she’s seen). She concluded with recommendations for a more suitable academic setting.

Her overall findings were not a huge surprise, but many of the details are. Hearing details about the realities of my son’s cognitive disabilities (which she is not sure will improve), is heart wrenching.

I am sad for my son. I wince with heartache as I glimpse at his possible future. In these moments , it’s hard not to go to “what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently ? How did Autism snatch up my baby boy?” It’s hard to find hope right now. But I search for hope. I cling to the fact he is able to come to me to be soothed like this . This miracle of sorts is working hard to trump the pain I feel from the test results. I can finally rub his back as he snuggles into me and he doesn’t jump away like a cat. I quietly weep.

Having depression makes me more vulnerable to situations of this nature . I know this. My husband knows this. We accept it. I name it and walk my husband through this truth. He is tender and loving. No longer do we fight this. Fighting it is fuel which ignites the intensity of sadness. So we let it sit. I allow it to stir in me just enough to teach me something. We know it will subside.

My son did not pick up on my sadness when he came to me, because he was very focused on his arm.

With out his knowing , in his need for soothing, he also comforted me – head in my shoulder nook, arm on my chest, hand landing perfectly on my heart. That adorable hand I once kissed over and over when he was a baby until the Autism got him and took that hand away from me. A hand I couldn’t hold for years. A hand I couldn’t kiss if he got a “boo-boo.”

Now, it’s resting on my heart.

16 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Cybil

    I’m weeping, I know all these feelings well. You have incredible strength and your son came to you specifically because he senses that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so honest.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I remember the numb shock when we first received our son’s diagnosis. It was throw out the future you had planned for and move into this uncertain, unscheduled new world. I was so unprepared for it. Your strength shines through and it is really inspiring for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your response and your encouraging words. I’m grateful I was once again, able to get through my period of grief yesterday. Writing is so cathartic in this journey of mine. I never imagined it would be so…..do you find the same for yourself?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I encourage you and all other parents who deal with this daily. I am a strong Christian and not sure I would have the strength you exhibit. I pray peace and comfort for your family and hope things do become a little easier.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouraging response. sometimes I don’t know if can make it through the pain, but I do. I have before. Remembering my success in getting through gives me comfort and hope for the times pays a visit again. I know God is sitting with me, holding me. I am His child. Whenever I can not comfort myself, I know he’s doing that for me. God made us all with every emotion. I believe God wishes that we embrace the emotions that come up for us. They are real. They show up for a reason. The point is that we recognize the reason. Allow it to come organically. That is why I can no longer drink alcohol. It is the devils way of keeping the emotions inside, trapped from release. Alcohol or simple avoidance by keeping busy is not always the best approach for me. Yesterday, I knew I needed to grieve. Today, after a good nights rest, I feel refreshed. I don’t’ feel heavy from the sadness anymore. I feel lighter. Had I not done as God intends for me, I would have picked up and numbed with alcohol and then woke up with a hangover. Nothing would have been resolved inside my soul.
      I appreciate your presence, Anitashope. I am grateful for your kind words and encouragement as I journey through this sometimes messy life.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Our goal as Christians is to support each other when those dark and hard times come. That is the support system God has put in place. We ALL need it time to time. May you continue to find strength in His guidance.

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  4. Pingback: “Be Patient When You Sit In The Dark. The Dawn Is Coming. ~Rumi – Unexpectedly Authentic

  5. ERosieRug

    Oh dear friend, your words and truth are so beautiful. I wanted to comment on your most recent post that follows this.; but this…this post is so gorgeous. This post was already the dawn after a long night. Knowing your journey with your youngest warrior, this moment of him coming to you for comfort made me cry. You have worked so hard to ease his pain and struggles; this is just the beginning of many more of these moments. You are an incredible mother. Today we light the candle of joy. This picture you shared is the embodiment of the light of joy in darkness.

    I’m so sorry you had such a difficult day; we often talk about these hardest of moments. I’m so proud of you and grateful you came into my life again when our warriors were at a tender age. No one I know is so brave to roll back the curtain of their truth like you do. You inspire me and give me courage.
    Glad you gave yourself room to feel…experience and live your emotions. That is so hard to do most times I stay too busy to muster the courage to do so. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you my dear friend 🙏🏻
      I’m so incredibly grateful for our friendship while raising our beautiful warriors . You support and understanding of my blog purpose means more than you know. I Love you , my friend ❤️

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