Lately my depression has been effecting me more than I can ever remember. I have had a few considerably down days over the past month. After a down day in early September, I was triggered. Something made me so infuriated and I suddenly had a surge of creative energy and then this blog was born.
Being acutely aware of my mental state, I reached out to my psychiatrist. He’s brilliant and kind. He also has a child with non-verbal “severe” Autism. I trust him even more because of that. (I have two autistic sons out of three.) He suggested that I increase one of my meds to help stabilize my moods. He told me “Sarah, you are more vulnerable right now and that makes sense given the circumstances of your life.” I followed his instructions. Eventually I felt more “normal” until last Friday when I had another hiccup. This time the trigger sent me downward, and fast. My head goes to places I used to live all the time as a younger person and did not take medication. (I lied. I self medicated with alcohol.) Going to these places is not fun. I am really hard on myself. I suddenly hate myself. I feel worthless and stupid. For my family, it is hard to see me so down. I hate that I burden them with this part of me. Yet, they lovingly and patiently sit with me. All I can say is “I’m tired. I’m just so tired.”
I never want to hurt myself or others when these downs make an appearance, but I do think to myself “if i happen to be struck by lightning, I wouldn’t mind. “ For anyone who has depression, I suspect you may understand. The sadness is so overwhelmingly uncomfortable that I just want to jump out of my skin. Having been graced by sobriety nearly 7 years ago, I can no longer anesthetize my feelings. That has been the most difficult part of living life in recovery. Having to really feel all my emotions.
Since Friday, I have come out of the deep sadness where I can not stop crying. However, I do feel dull. I feel bored. I feel lazy. I feel tired! Also, I am a bit vulnerable. I have moments of joy, but they are fleeting. I have to work hard at being joyful.
Today I temporarily changed the Home page picture in efforts to help me feel happy. It is a picture of me during a week long visit two years ago with someone very special to me. She took that picture with out me knowing. We had been biking and we decided to stop for a brief rest. I felt so peaceful, relaxed and vibrant. When I visited her, I went by myself. I needed a break from what I do. What I do day-to-day is emotionally very exhausting at times. So, I was grateful my husband encouraged me to go. I need to go back.
My friend is my soul sister. We understand each other and we can laugh about the most ridiculous things. We share a very similar sense of humor. We explore together. We spend time outside visiting sculptures or museums. We are goofy. We are both curious people. We can easily discuss interesting topics. We love coffee, so we hunt down Dunkin‘ Donuts stores for the most chocolate-y and mocha XL coffee ever. When we order, chocolate or mocha is mentioned so many times that the guy behind the counter looks at us with bug eyes. We are weird. And silly. We can poke fun at each other and nobody takes offense. I miss her. She makes me feel like me. Just me. And we can just “be” together and watch silly cat videos and laugh hysterically until we start crying. One time, I secretly took a video of her as she was trying to control her intense giggling episode. She had been giggling for so long that her stomach hurt. I watch that video when I need a pick me up.
It’s been a long time when its been just me. I wonder if that is why I get depressed more often lately. I am defined as a mother. Oh, and an Alcoholic. Aside from this blog, that is what I am. A mother. I sound so ungrateful. I love my children more than anyone in the world- I would give my life for them.
It is just very tiring lately.
Over the past 6 and 1/2 years, I have worked really hard at healing past pains. So much pain was layered over my authentic self.
Is it ok to sometimes just feel blah? Can I just have a break from life? I think this quote sums it up:
I am going to take a break from figuring out who I am. I’m going to take a break from trying to be so strong. It’s exhausting. I’m just going to “be.” Like I am with my silly friend. If I do this, perhaps I will start to feel better.